What Are the Three Golden Rules of Dementia?

Caring for someone with dementia presents unique challenges that can leave even the most devoted family members feeling overwhelmed and uncertain. Whilst every person’s experience with dementia is different, three fundamental principles—often called the “golden rules”—can transform how you approach care and dramatically improve quality of life for everyone involved.

These aren’t complicated medical protocols. They’re straightforward guidelines rooted in understanding, compassion and respect. Whether you’re caring for a loved one at home or choosing a care setting, these three golden rules provide a framework for dementia care that truly works.

The Three Golden Rules of Dementia Care

1. Don’t Argue—Enter Their Reality

Perhaps the most important rule, and often the hardest to follow, is to stop trying to correct someone with dementia when they say something that isn’t true.

When your mother insists she needs to collect the children from school (even though those “children” are now in their fifties), your natural instinct is to correct her: “Mum, the children are grown up now. You don’t need to worry.” This approach, whilst logical, often leads to distress, confusion and agitation.

Instead, enter their reality. Acknowledge the feeling behind the statement: “You’ve always been such a caring mum. The children are safe—they’re being looked after.” This validates their emotion without arguing about facts they can no longer process.

Why this works: Dementia affects the brain’s ability to form and recall memories, but emotions remain powerful. When we argue with someone who has dementia, we’re essentially telling them their reality is wrong. They can’t understand why we’re disagreeing, but they feel the emotional impact—frustration, anger, fear or sadness. By entering their reality instead, we honour their experience and keep them calm.

In practice:

• If they want to go home (even though they’re already home), instead of saying “You are home,” try “Tell me about your home. What do you love about it?” Often, “home” represents feeling safe and comfortable, not a specific place.
• If they’re looking for someone who has died, rather than reminding them of the death, say “Tell me about them. You must miss them.” This acknowledges their feelings without causing fresh grief.
• If they’re worried about work they haven’t done in decades, respond to the emotion: “You were always so dedicated to your work. You can relax now—everything’s taken care of.”

The goal isn’t deception—it’s compassion. You’re not lying to them; you’re meeting them where they are and providing comfort rather than confusion.

2. Don’t Reason—Redirect

People with dementia lose the ability to use logic and reason as the condition progresses. Trying to explain why something isn’t possible, justify a decision, or use rational arguments simply doesn’t work—and often makes situations worse.

When someone with dementia becomes fixated on something inappropriate or impossible—wanting to drive when they no longer can, insisting on leaving when it’s unsafe, or becoming upset about something—reasoning won’t help. Redirection will.

Why this works: The short-term memory loss that comes with dementia means that even if you successfully explain something, they’ll forget the explanation within minutes. You’ll find yourself repeating the same reasoning over and over, becoming increasingly frustrated whilst the person with dementia feels increasingly confused and upset.

Redirection takes advantage of how dementia affects the brain. Because short-term memory is impaired, people can be gently guided from one thought to another relatively easily.

In practice:

• If they insist on driving, instead of explaining why they can’t (reasoning), suggest a cup of tea first, then introduce a different activity (redirection).
• If they’re agitated about needing to leave, rather than explaining why they need to stay, suggest looking at photo albums together, going for a walk in the garden, or helping with a task.
• If they’re upset about something you can’t change, acknowledge their feelings briefly, then gently shift focus: “I can see you’re worried about that. I’ve always loved your garden—shall we see how the roses are doing?”

The key is to be gentle and natural. Distraction shouldn’t feel manipulative—it should flow like a natural change in conversation. Often, finding an activity they enjoy or introducing a pleasant topic works beautifully.

3. Don’t Shame—Reassure

People with dementia remain emotionally aware even as cognitive abilities decline. They often sense when they’ve made a mistake, forgotten something important, or behaved in a way that seems wrong—even if they don’t understand exactly what’s happened.

The instinct to correct mistakes or point out errors, even gently, can cause profound shame and distress. Instead, constant reassurance helps maintain dignity and emotional wellbeing.

Why this works: Imagine forgetting where you are, why you’re there, or who the people around you are—all whilst being aware something is wrong. This is the reality for many people with dementia. Adding shame or embarrassment on top of that confusion is cruel, even when unintentional.

Reassurance provides an emotional anchor. When everything else feels uncertain and frightening, knowing that the people around you are kind, that you’re safe, and that everything is alright can make an enormous difference.

In practice:

• If they have an accident, respond with warmth: “Don’t worry at all, these things happen. Let’s get you comfortable.” Never express frustration or disappointment.
• If they tell the same story for the tenth time that day, listen as if it’s the first time. Respond with interest and warmth.
• If they forget your name or who you are, don’t take it personally or quiz them. Simply reintroduce yourself naturally: “It’s me, Sarah, your daughter. I’m so happy to see you.”
• Use positive, reassuring language constantly: “You’re doing brilliantly,” “You’re safe here,” “We’re here to help,” “Everything’s alright.”

Physical reassurance matters too. A gentle touch on the arm, holding hands, or a warm smile communicates safety and love even when words fail.

Why These Rules Matter

These three golden rules aren’t just about making life easier for carers—though they do that. They’re fundamentally about preserving dignity, reducing distress, and improving quality of life for people with dementia.

When we argue, reason, or shame, we’re trying to pull someone with dementia into our reality. But their brain no longer works that way. The result is confusion, fear, frustration and agitation—for everyone involved.

When we enter their reality, redirect rather than reason, and reassure rather than shame, we’re adapting our approach to meet them where they are. This doesn’t mean giving up or being dishonest. It means showing respect for someone whose brain is changing in ways they can’t control.

Applying the Golden Rules in Daily Care

Understanding the principles is one thing; applying them consistently in daily life is another. Here’s how these rules work in common situations.

Morning Routines

Instead of insisting someone gets dressed because “it’s morning” (reasoning), try laying out clothes and saying “I thought these would look lovely on you today” (redirection). If they refuse, don’t argue—come back in 20 minutes with a different suggestion.

Meal Times

If someone insists they’ve already eaten when they haven’t, don’t argue about whether they ate (arguing). Instead, say “I’ve made your favourite—would you like to try some?” (redirection and entering their reality).

Repetitive Questions

When they ask the same question repeatedly, don’t point out that they’ve already asked ten times (shaming). Answer each time as if it’s the first, or gently redirect: “That’s a good question. While I think about it, let me show you these photographs” (redirection and reassurance).

Accusations or Suspicions

If they accuse someone of stealing something they’ve misplaced, don’t argue that no one would steal from them. Instead: “That must be so worrying. Let’s look together—I’ll help you find it” (entering their reality and reassurance).

Resistance to Personal Care

If they refuse to bathe, don’t reason about hygiene. Try “The water’s lovely and warm. Shall I help you relax with a nice bath?” If they still refuse, redirect: “Let’s have a cup of tea first, then see how you feel.”

What the Golden Rules Don’t Mean

It’s important to understand what these rules aren’t.

They don’t mean accepting dangerous behaviour. If someone with dementia wants to do something genuinely unsafe, you still need to intervene—just do it using redirection rather than confrontation.

They don’t mean abandoning all structure. Routine and consistency remain important. The golden rules are about how you communicate and respond, not about removing all boundaries.

They don’t mean you can never be honest. There are moments when honesty is necessary, particularly about serious matters. But even then, deliver information with kindness and reassurance.

They don’t mean suppressing all your own emotions. Caring for someone with dementia is exhausting and emotionally challenging. You will feel frustrated, sad, and overwhelmed at times. The golden rules are guidelines for interactions with the person who has dementia—not a requirement to be perfect all the time.

When Professional Support Can Help

Following the golden rules consistently requires enormous patience, energy and emotional resilience. Many families find that whilst they understand these principles, implementing them 24/7 whilst managing their own lives becomes overwhelming.

This is where specialist dementia care can make a profound difference. Care homes with properly trained staff can provide:

Consistent application of person-centred approaches that follow these golden rules naturally, without the emotional exhaustion that comes from caring for your own family member.

Specialist environments designed to reduce confusion, with clear signage, memory-friendly layouts, and spaces that feel safe and familiar.

Activities and therapies that provide meaningful engagement whilst supporting cognitive function and emotional wellbeing.

Support for families so you can return to being a daughter, son or spouse rather than a full-time carer—often improving your relationship with your loved one.

24/7 care from trained professionals who understand dementia behaviour, can recognise signs of distress, and know how to respond appropriately.

Recognising Quality Dementia Care

When considering residential care for someone with dementia, look for homes that demonstrate these golden rules in practice.

During visits, observe how staff interact with residents:

• Do they speak to people with dementia as adults, with respect and warmth?
• When a resident says something that isn’t factually accurate, how do staff respond?
• If someone becomes agitated or confused, do staff use redirection and reassurance?
• Is there a calm, unhurried atmosphere that allows staff time to apply these principles properly?

Ask specific questions:

• How is your team trained in dementia care?
• Can you give examples of how you handle common challenging situations?
• How do you maintain dignity when someone needs personal care?
• What’s your approach when residents become distressed or confused?

The answers should reflect the golden rules, even if the home doesn’t use that exact terminology. Look for language around “person-centred care,” “validation therapy,” “entering the person’s reality,” or similar approaches.

Finding the Right Support

Understanding the three golden rules of dementia care is transformative, but living them every single day requires support, training and often a village of people working together.

At Living Developments, these principles aren’t just guidelines—they’re woven into how our staff approach every interaction, every day. Our teams receive specialist dementia training and work in environments designed specifically to support people living with memory loss.

The Millfield in Keswick features a dedicated 10-bed secure dementia unit with memory-friendly design, whilst The Willows provides ground-floor boutique care with specially trained staff. Elmtree House in Newton-le-Willows offers intimate, family-style dementia care where staff know every resident’s life story, preferences and needs.

Small details make big differences: staff who take time to sit and listen rather than rushing, environments that feel like home rather than hospitals, and a genuine commitment to seeing the person behind the diagnosis.

If you’re caring for someone with dementia, whether at home or considering residential care, we’d welcome the opportunity to discuss how we can help. Sometimes just talking through your situation with someone who understands can make things feel less overwhelming.

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